show must go on

I look around and see actors in this grandiose play of life.
I´m tired of living lies. Tired of holding back. Hiding, acting, trying to fit in.
But everything within me is screaming for truth and love.
Do I want what´s on the other side of me daring to be who I really am?
What if there´s only loneliness and poverty there?
If I lose my job because I can no longer fight my own heart and convictions.
If I lose my marriage because I can no longer pretend to be monogamous.
I don´t know what to do. My heart is sick with yearning.

but I can´t

let go, let go... damn it, I can´t.
One mail was enough to let it start over again.
All day I felt you - both of you.
While doing my work at home, while out shopping;
a presence in my mind and body, in my system
there, like the clothes I´m wearing

my heart beats your name
you´re a coward
it doesn´t change a thing
I´m a beggar for just a penny of your presence
can you hear me?
can you feel me?
please do
God
please...

please...

How can I be such an idiot? If only I knew I´m not feeling you. That this is all my imagination.
I know, the only way to find out is to ask but I´m not allowed to ask.
This is the only place where I can share what I would tell you if I was allowed;
I miss you so much, I can feel it physically heavy on my heart.
I miss your presence
I love the sound of your voice
I love your humour and your smile, your charme
I love the shape of your body
your hands, your shoulders, your chest...
I love your intensity and passion, your energy
even your agression
I love the way you care
I love your heart, your soul, your spirit
I love the way you are touching me - in that dimension where everything is allowed; fantasy.

you, me or what?

Who can ever tell where the boundaries of reality and fantasy are located.
Not me, that´s for sure.
The empath is always wondering who it is he or she feels.
Is this my feeling, my thought?
Is there, after all, only my feeling and my thought, without any interconnectivity?
Well, that has proven wrong too many times...
And then, if it IS you I´m feeling, what does that mean? What am I supposed to do?
The only way to find out, is to ask. But asking isn´t always possible.
Today the questions are there but aren´t torturing me and I´m grateful for that.

Missing

So love - at least I call it that - does strange things with me.
It disillusions me, while providing me with the most fantastic illusions.
It has turned me into a hopeless romantic, much too realistic to be romantic at all.
It takes me away from wanting that one person, forsaking all others
because I have lost the place of only one.
There is no "only one" except that only ONE, who is in all others.

Love lets me lose myself
in one and other
one another
Have you seen Earth with Satellite eyes?
Have you seen any borders there made by man?
Perspective...

To the ONE missing

These last few days have been terrible. As if every single cell in my body was calling out your name. Longing and aching for you.
This is what it must feel like when a loved one dies. What shall you say to a person in that situation? Is there anything to relieve their pain? How long will it last? Will they get through it or get lost in depression? For now I have no answers. Only questions. Endless questions.
So I decided to start writing them down here...
To the one I miss, or the ONE I miss, or the ones I miss.